Scandalous Love

This week during group devotions my teammate Kari used the word "Scandalous" to describe God's love for us. That word is used in one of my all time favorite worship songs by my favorite band, the Choir. That word struck me very deeply in the context of thinking about God's love as it applies here, in India, or spilling out to the rest of our world. I began to think about why this love is a scandal and why I believe so deeply in enacting this love as an active, literal part of my life.

Kari read Colossians 2:13-14, which say "And even though you were dead in your transgressions and in the uncircumcision of you flesh, he nevertheless made you alive with him, having forgiven all your transgressions. He has destroyed what was against us, a certificate of indebtedness expressed in decrees opposed to us. He has taken it away by nailing it to the cross." 

I love that image, of God dissolving all our debts by nailing them to the cross, where the greatest sacrifice was made for our ongoing sin. I first began to imagine what this means in the context of India and our work with Sari Bari. Certainly, the general society of India does not see any reason the women of the red light districts should be loved, redeemed, or helped. They are worthless to society's eyes, except perhaps for the small physical service they supply at great cost to their health and well being. What Sari Bari is doing is a social scandal in India. Respectable Indians are taking jobs as staff and associating with, even creating deep bonds with, women whom the society sees as dirty, damaged, and worthless. It is a social taboo to have friends in the red light districts, to go visiting there, to invest your time and emotions and energy in the betterment of those who live there. But God calls us to forget those debts owed to a "proper" society, to give without expectation of return, and to love without concern for the worthiness of the recipient. Therefore Sari Bari, Free Set, and others like them are entering into scandalous love relationships here in India.

Personally, I began to think about my own epiphanies about my worth in God's eyes. I could never do anything to deserve a perfect God's love and affection, in fact I daily make conscious choices counter to his will and enter into behaviors that lessen my worldly worth. I fail often and I fail big time. And yet I am still somehow told to believe that God sees me as his precious, beloved daughter. Dearer to his heart than words can express. I don't deserve that!!! And for a long time I've struggled against the voice inside me that will not let me accept that love because I could never deserve it. But the truth I've met deep inside my heart brings me more joy than I could possibly tell you, and it says "You have it anyway, go and give it to others!"

For this reason, I also began to connect how this deep internal truth God has given to me has influenced my attitudes and actions towards others. I knew when Kari read Luke 6: 27-36 that from the beginning, deep in my heart, I have taken these challenging commands quite literally. They say:

²⁷ “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, ²⁸ bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. ²⁹ If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. ³⁰ Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. ³¹ Do to others as you would have them do to you.

³² “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. ³³ And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. ³⁴ And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. ³⁵ But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. ³⁶ Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful."

These verses are challenging because in real life they seem to be impossible to live sustainably. We think "if I give this man my coat and my tunic won't I freeze to death tonight?", "If I give loans without expecting repayment won't I be out of money and homeless?" I don't have answers for these questions, but deep inside my soul I have always known that when gifts are given freely God will make a way for the rest. So, what does this mean about the way I feel called to live my life. I think the last verse of that passage could be stated in another way, as it is spoken in my heart: "Be scandalous, just as your father is scandalous." 

I have always grappled with my feelings on large social/political issues. I know that the country must function, and  that requires certain restrictions on giving, but my heart of hearts wants something more. It wants me to put my faith in God's provision and support these unsustainable, crazy, scandalous, beliefs that would give to thieves and honest men, support the lazy and the truly unfortunate, forgive the worst offenders and the righteous equally. NONE OF THIS IS FAIR! NONE OF IT MAKES SENSE! NONE OF IT IS PRACTICAL! It is a scandal, and my heart loves it more than anything. This grace, this mercy I feel God calling me to live and act upon may be just radical enough to change those who receive it. It may actually make those who don't deserve it better, rather than worse. We always assume that if you give people an inch they will take a mile. Well, maybe if you give them a mile, they will give you back an inch... or more. It's hard to put limits on this belief, it makes it easy to be taken advantage of, but God promises that good works will bear good fruit. I have to believe that as long as I am acting in a way that benefits others, God will take the rest and work it out for good. This scandal is what my whole being longs for, it makes my heart at peace! It gives me the strength to believe that perhaps, one day, people will truly and honestly change how they treat each other; entering into relationship with love instead of desiring repayment. I know, it makes no logical sense, but it's what is in my heart, and I wanted to share it with you.

This Is India- Photo Essay

This is India: Goats in shirts hanging out on the railroad tracks when I'm walking to work.

This picture sort of sums up the absurdity included in daily life in India. Sometimes there are things here that just make no sense what so ever, and have no clear explanation. The day I took this was cool, but only sixty degrees Fahrenheit at the lowest. These goats were not in any danger of being cold. But obviously one of the children that lives in the compounds along the railroad tracks decided that these goats needed an extra layer against the elements. They don't seem to mind it. (Note the laundry in the background. In the absence of clotheslines the railroad fence and sometimes the rocks beside the tracks themselves become the favorite spot for drying clothes!)

So, in an effort to demonstrate what a small slice of the life we lead here on the wild and beautiful subcontinent, let me present you with a photo essay. 

This Is India:

-Pastoral vistas out the window of your long distance commuter train

-Rickshaw drivers resting in the means of their employment on the side of the road. 

-Being packed into a train car so full of women that all you can see is arms and heads. 

 -Reading on the train, in order to finish our assigned work. (Kari is pictured)

- Eating pseudo ethnic food prepared by Raj

 -professor-ly looking neighbors reading amazing old books while apparently living on the street outside your apartment.

This Is India

This is India: Goats in shirts hanging out on the railroad tracks when I'm walking to work.

This picture sort of sums up the absurdity included in daily life in India. Sometimes there are things here that just make no sense what so ever, and have no clear explanation. The day I took this was cool, but only sixty degrees Fahrenheit at the lowest. These goats were not in any danger of being cold. But obviously one of the children that lives in the compounds along the railroad tracks decided that these goats needed an extra layer against the elements. They don't seem to mind it. (Note the laundry in the background. In the absence of clotheslines the railroad fence and sometimes the rocks beside the tracks themselves become the favorite spot for drying clothes!)
In other news, I wanted to follow up on my post about the theater exercises by saying that I have been told the ladies have been discussing the game we played about family all week long. They particularly felt moved by the discussion Sarah Lance led afterward about how they could break the cultural tradition of hitting children for any and all punishments. The ladies agreed strongly when Sarah pointed out that often the reason we hit our children is that that is the way we were dealt with by our parents. But she pointed out that the ladies have the power to change that trend in their own households, where they are already breaking tradition by becoming bread-winners and leaders. The ladies where heard to discuss during the week feeling bad for hitting their children for offenses such as not studying for exams, and talking about alternative forms of persuasion. I feel so blessed to have been part of facilitating these discussions. It is truly an embodiment of what I want to do with my art for the rest of my life!

More "This is India" Photos to come! Stay tuned!

Recieving More Than I Can Give

Picture courtesy saribari.com

This past week was hard for me in a lot of ways. I again am fighting off stomach troubles and spent Monday evening at home in bed or in the bathroom. I am continuing to lose weight by the bucketful. By Wednesday I felt better but I had a long train journey to the Sari Bari village unit, about three hours from where I live to the east of Kolkata. On the way home from the village the train began to fill up very full and I was crushed in a compartment with many other women. My slight claustrophobia (coupled with my low tolerance for prolonged social exposure) began to creep up on me, so by the time I got onto the train from the main station back to my home I was already emotionally frazzled. The train home was far worse than usual, with many many people shoving and yelling at me. When I fought my way off the train I felt I'd finally been released but as I walked back to my home along the railroad tracks and made it to the railroad crossing that is right by my house the crossing gate began to come down. This slow bouncing up and down of the gate is the signal for everyone nearby to dart under the closing gate as fast as they can an make for the other side, so while I was looking up trying to keep the gate from hitting me, so was a man on a bike who did indeed run into me. The shock and pain of the whole situation just sent me over the edge. After assuring that the man on the bike was ok, I ran for my nearby house and began to feel the walls of India close in on me. I felt like I couldn't escape the chaos and the dirt and the people even when sitting on the floor of my flat trying to stop hyperventilating. As I said, It was a hard week. However, I wanted to tell you about my challenges only so that I can now tell you why enduring all this is worth it (even if I didn't think so at the time).

Chris Hale, photo from christopherhalesitar.com

This week, besides the emotional and physical challenges, I met with a lot of blessing in the form of the Sari Bari Leadership Class. This Saturday I got to worship with the ladies of Sari Bari to the music of Chris Hale, leader of Hindi Christian music group Aradhna. His music is so uplifting, it's really great to hear worship being done in a tongue that reaches out to such a huge population that has so long resisted Christian ideas. Chris Hale and his work were a big part of what got me interested in coming to India in the first place, about four years ago. It was great to get to spend some time with him again.
After worshiping I had the opportunity to do some more theater exercises with the Sari Bari women. Last time we had just played some mirroring and "emotion statue" games. This time I went in-depth into an exercise meant to help the ladies think about improvements they have the power to make in their everyday lives- in this case in their family situations. I divided the women into five groups and asked a leader in each to create a still "picture" using the members of their group, depicting a typical Bengali family. I was trying to keep the idea simple: no movement or text, but wow! Did those ladies take my input and run with it. In about fifteen minutes I had five complete skits with props and text demonstrating life in a household typical to what the women lived in. These were very eye opening for me, not having had the opportunity to see into the women's private lives before. There were many similarities in the skits that showed a homogeneity of circumstances, either in India as a whole, or perhaps in the red light areas in specific. In every skit the mother was working, cooking, cleaning, ordering children or a maid around. Almost every skit depicted the father as asleep, drunk, or both. The father often smacked the rest of the family around a bit, and when the mother demanded he go to work he simply replied, I'm not going to work, and laid down to go to sleep! In the one skit where the father did go to work he disappeared early on and did not return as the rest of the family descended into squabbling. In every skit the children sat and studied, often breaking off studies to fight amongst themselves until the mother intervened. In one, the boy child laid down to sleep while the daughters continued to study with the tutor (training for later life as the sleeping father?). Every skit involved extended family,. the grandparents or in-laws of the husband and wife. In one the grandparents simply spent all their time praying for the wellbeing of the family, while the in-laws sat smoking bidis, fighting about what would be best for the family, and ordered the mother around. In another the bent-backed grandmother cleaned the house and when a child exclaimed "give granny something to eat!" the grandmother grumbled, "I'm just the house maid, no one gives me anything to eat!".
After seeing the scenes, I asked the ladies to select the most realistic of the five. After some reluctance they selected the scene in which the father worked, the boy slept while the girls studied, and the in-laws fought about what was right for the family's future. I then asked if anything could be improved in the picture. What would make this family more ideal? At first the ladies were stumped, but with some coaxing they began to imagine what an ideal family might look like. They decided that the father should go to work, but he should then come home and be involved in the raising of the children. They had the father actor come back and wake the sleeping boy and help the kids with their studies. When considering the mother, they decided that the two grandparents should finish their prayers and go to help with the housework, and the father in-law should go to work while the mother in-law helped the mother as well. With all this help, they decided the maid could be let go to save them money (the situation was not so ideal for the maid).

picture courtesy saribari.com

Through this exercise I learned a lot about how Bengalis think of family and how difficult it is for these women to break out of the "that's just the way it is" mentality, and begin to problem solve. But they HAVE done it! I also saw how very creative and full of enthusiasm for improving their family's lives the women were. I got a glimpse into the very adverse conditions they come from, but have also overcome. In not one skit did a woman go to work to support her family. Yet that is exactly what these women do on a day to day basis! They live in a society that does not prepare women for work outside the home, for anything that could support her family, but the Sari Bari ladies have decided to say "to hell with what society expects me to do!", and they go out in the world to make their reality a better one every day! Life has thrown every disadvantage at them: drunken, sluggardly husbands, the expectation of huge amounts of household work every day, the lack of training for useful vocations, and little respite or respect to come with age! Yet they still persevere! They are simply in a word, inspiring. I have said it before and I will say it again: I expected to come here to help others, to bring others faith and hope and freedom. Instead, I have received far more than I could ever give through the example of these women's trust in God, and hope despite all odds. No matter what I have gone through in the way of physical discomfort, receiving these gifts make it worthwhile... So next time I get sick, I need to re-read this blog! Haha...

Hope is a Fact, Not A Feeling

Since coming to India, a common theme among our group has been that of hope. When we sit down to discuss our experiences and internal struggles with each other, I often hear the issue of hope brought up. "Where is hope in desolate places? When we see horrible poverty and deprivation how do we not give in to the overwhelming feeling that God is not here, that there is no hope? Why can't we feel God's hope sometimes?"
In high school I remember many students writing English class papers on books like Grapes of Wrath and The Jungle (sad books with bad endings and worse middles), touting the idea that hope is futile, that it simply gives false life and hurts people all the more when it lets them down. They said it would be better not to hope at all, at least then you would not be crushed when hope dies.
That philosophy (I suppose something akin to fatalism) could be easily applied to life in India. We are currently reading a book about the lives of sex workers in Kolkata and it strikes me how powerless women in this society are. When they are abandoned, women have little legal recourse to solicit financial support from their wayward husbands to feed or clothe or educate their children. When a woman is abandoned by her husband and kicked out by her in-laws she is left alone in a society that has taught her only dependency on others, on men, a society that will not pay her an equal wage or even offer her many of its jobs, simply based on her gender. In these cases many times the only way for her to feed her children is to enter the sex trade, or if she is lucky enough to find other work, she must toil at it day and night, neglecting the nurturing of her children for whom she works so hard. To many eyes there seems to be no hope in these situations.
However, in the face of these doubts, I found myself unable to relate to the sense of hopelessness many of my peers have combated. Not that I am not touched and angered by the plight of those around me here, but I simply have never looked at these situations and thought to myself "Where is God? Why isn't he here?" I asked myself why that was. There is every reason to reject hope and embrace despair in such an overpowering  society of poverty and oppression. I had to answer myself, "I don't see hope in those terms, as though when it is unseen it is not there. I see hope as a fact, not a feeling."
I will have to explain this rather outlandish statement further, with some unpacking of my personal flavor of belief. You see, in my eyes, even when my God is unknown and unwanted by the people on the streets of Kolkata, even when it seems he is abandoning his children who are hungry and sick and dying, in my heart of hearts I know that he has already died for them, that before they know his name he loved them enough to sacrifice himself so that they could have hope- seen or unseen. In my eyes, the fact of Jesus's love and of his death and resurrection means that no man woman or child can ever be without hope, whether they know it or not. Romans 5:1-6 supports my belief in this:
"Since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.⁶ You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly." 
Hebrews 6:17-20 Also states God's undying and unshakable promise to redeem us, and validate our hope in Him:
^"17 Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. ¹⁸ God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. ¹⁹ We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, ²⁰ where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek."

Victoria Memorial, a place of peace in the stormy city

Praise the Lord! To me these verses scream that even in the darkest places it is impossible to be without hope! Jesus has entered in before all men, and is saving them before they even know he is the one to do it! Hope in worldly things is indeed fickle and will let us down, just as all of those high school English papers said, but Jesus' unseen hope is a fact for all human beings, and it cannot fail. 
Last night one of our close Indian friends shared her troubles with us. We are so blessed that she feels comfortable enough with us to share her fears and trials when she says she has few people to listen, few fellow Indians who will understand her troubles. She is not a sex worker, but she finds herself trapped by many of the same issues of lack of value in her work as a woman, and the dearth of legal recourse she has to find support for her children. She works constantly, and has recently been faced with more challenges of emotional and physical health than she feels she can handle. But we still praise God that her faith is so strong. Her life is already a testament to God's triumph over evil and injustice. We were glad to rejoice with her in our certainty that God is caring for her, that his hope is with her in the darkest of times, and that he will bring her help and comfort when she calls. We cannot see these things in the present moment, but as Hebrews 11 states "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see". Praise God! We are certain! We are assured in our hope, because Jesus' life, death, and resurrection means that our hope is a fact, not a feeling.

Demonstrations of Joy

Note: I'm sorry this post has taken so long to get out, I was very sick with a stomach parasite for about a week at the end of October and it has set me back quite a bit on work and blogging. I'm fully well now though, so be expecting a couple of rapid fire posts coming up!  

Left to Right: Rasheeda, Me, and Aysha in the Mall's Juice Bar!

Monday October 22nd I was blessed with the opportunity to meet my Compassion International sponsored child, Rasheeda in Chennai, India. It was a whirlwind of a trip of course, what with it being my first time traveling on my own in India, and having to plan it all myself! But God was on my side and I made it across the continent to Chennai! Chennai is a super clean city compared to Kolkata. There was less trash in the streets, better pavement, it even smelled pretty good! (Though, being by the ocean, I'm sure all the pollution just gets blown off elsewhere, unlike Kolkata where it hovers and turns your boogers black.) Anyway, It was a pleasant surprise to find such a nice place awaiting me, and after a real shower and a night on a real bed (!!!!!) I was very excited to see what my day with Rasheeda would hold.
I was picked up by the compassion office's visit coordinator, Shauline, and we went promptly to get Rasheeda and the project workers with her from a nearby YMCA where they had stayed since arriving at 6:30am by bus. They had traveled all night to come see me. As we pulled into the parking lot of the YMCA I saw two girls in bright purple and orange salwar suits breaking into enormous smiles. The two are very alike, but after a moment I realized that the taller of the two, the one in purple, was in fact Rasheeda. The first thing that struck me about her was that she was so tall! I'm used to being taller than almost everyone in India, and most other Compassion countries, but Rasheeda is at least four inches taller than me! She gave me a huge hug as soon as I stepped out of the van and hung on tight, fighting off tears. She introduced me to her younger sister, Aysha, who she brought with her, and the project workers Maithily and Jessi who accompanied them.

Our whole group: Rasheeda, Me, Aysha, Jessi, and Maithily

It was the girls' (15 and 14 yrs old) first time in the big city of Chennai, so from there Shauline whisked us away to a shopping mall (I have never done this on a child visit, I guess it was because of the child's age and the fear of bad weather) where we were told to look around, buy things, whatever we wanted! We spent a lot of time in a department store looking at toys and stuffed animals. Rasheeda seemed very content just to be close to me, but Aysha was very excited and bold, grabbing my hand and dragging me from one place to another to look at things so that I had to grab Rasheeda and haul her along just to keep her involved! The best part was their reaction to the escalators in the western-style malls. They hadn't ever seen them before so the idea of jumping onto a moving stairway or ramp was both scary and immensely fun to them. It was something I never considered as a source of joy! At a juice bar at the mall Maithily explained to me that Rasheeda and Aysha's mother had left their father when the girls were very young, and now lived in another village with another husband and daughter. She said the girls' father had given up everything to keep them, and that he now works as a bicycle mechanic while his mother, the girls' grandmother keeps house and cares for them. This sort of mother-abandonment is not common in India, and I get the sense that it is seen as very morally wrong, and an absolute miracle if the children become anything but destitute afterwards. Yet, here are Rasheeda and Aysha, grinning, tall, healthy young women full of life! It reminds me that God is so good. Maithily told me that Rasheeda would like to become a school teacher when she grows up, and her best subject is language. I was very exicted to hear she has goals for her future and tried to encourage her that it was a great idea.
After an excellent lunch at a restaurant we headed to the church of Saint Thomas, located in Chennai near the ocean. I have no idea how St. Thomas the apostle of Christ made it all the way to India, but I plan to look it up cuz he's there alright! Or, well, his tomb is. It was the grandest church Rasheeda and Aysha had ever been to. Aysha had me taking pictures of all the icons because they were so pretty. I have seen many grander cathedrals in my life, but their awe and happiness at this one made it more special to me than the others.

Enjoying looking at the Indian Ocean!

Finally, there was one more first for the girls. We were going to see the Indian ocean! And at Merina Beach, no less, one of the largest, most popular beaches in Asia! They were both very excited, having seized on the idea from the moment Shauline mentioned it and insisting on seeing the ocean.When we pulled up the the quarter-mile wide expanse of sand I could feel their excitement. They almost dragged me out into traffic when crossing the road to get to the sand. Rasheeda spoke the most in English she had all day, just repeating "What a super place!" When we made it to where the strong surf was sucking away at the sand the girls couldn't stop giggling as the water hit their toes. They just stared out at the sea and laughed and played. When we tried to get pictures standing at the water's edge a particularly large wave came up behind us and soaked us to the knees! The girls just laughed all the harder. The hot, dirty water of the Indian Ocean was a wonder to them. Seeing their joy made me remember that awe in small things is often lost to those of us who live in a bustling, industrial world. But two young women from a rural Indian village showed me again what joy in simplicity is.
When she left Rasheeda cried a lot, sad to have to leave, but also just overcome by all that went on in the day I think. We hugged a lot, and I reminded her I loved her and would be writing to her and Aysha often. In the end she smiled and waved at me as the car drove them away, and I knew her overall feeling was one of happiness. Mine was too. I am truly blessed to have such opportunities, and I thank God for reminding me so well of his joy that lives in the most unexpected of places. 

I Am Beloved

The Sari Bari ladies gave us "Tiks" or "Bindis"

I can barely believe I've been here over a month. I still feel as foreign as the day I arrived, though my tiny Bengali vocabulary has grown incrementally, and I've gotten used to the crush and rush of everyday life. It's hard to say exactly how much I've changed or stayed the same. I came here expecting my main experience to be one focusing on the people I work with and try to serve well, and while this is a big part of my life here, the journey God has set my feet on has turned out to be far more about me than about those I am here to serve. Things centering around me make me uncomfortable, I am afraid of being selfish and self serving in a time when I am meant to be working for the benefit of others. However, God seems to have other ideas about what I should learn here.
Recently my struggle has been one of accepting God's grace on my imperfections. I know all the facts: that God loves me and forgives my failures and mistakes, and I know the people around me here want to give me His grace and forgiveness also. But neither my heart nor my head quite accept it yet. I still spend every say hearing people say "I don't mind" or "It's ok" or "Don't worry about it", and thinking in response that they are surely lying. I have been lied to like this many times, particularly at jobs where my smallest mistakes were brushed off but secretly being tallied and brought to bear against me later, but also among friends who claimed to accept me as I was but at the first misstep or accidental lack of tact punished me brutally by shunning or spreading rumors. So one can see how I come to be so paranoid toward my own inadequacies. I feel that at any moment, any small mistake I could be dumped like yesterday's garbage, because that is often what I've lived. My parents named me a name that means "beloved", "little loved one"- a name that means value, and beauty, and worth. They never could have imagined how I would struggle with believing in that name.

When I think about it though, the whole theme of Sari Bari (Word Made Flesh's outreach in Kolkata) is based around grace. It starts with women with no social or economic capitol. Women are very low value citizens in Indian society- best for cooking, cleaning and working early morning into late night to keep her father/brothers/husband/sons happy. The women of Kolkata's red light districts often come from rural or urban poor backgrounds where they had no capitol to start a business, were not provided with an education (or not one sufficient to create marketable skills), and no ability to earn more than enough just to subsist with food, rent, and a lot of going without. Until there simply wasn't enough anymore and they were left to fend for themselves- Until their only bargaining ship was their own bodies. (So, when you think about it, did they choose the sex trade, or did it choose them?) And once you enter the trade there is no going back. The percieved shame Indian culture places on a life of prostitution prevents the women from every returning to their families, seeking a respectable marriage to support them, or pursuing a job in another area. Indian culture will never accept them again once they are known to have joined the sex trade.

My FreeSet bag, With words describing women

But Sari Bari chooses to countermand all of that cultural convention, all of the social taboo, and show these women grace. With no expectation of reciprocal gain, they provide these women with education and skills. They employ the undesirables rejected by all other businesses and accept the physical and emotional detriments of trauma that come with them. Most of all, they teach each and every woman that she is loved, valued, precious to God. By the exxample of love and support in that community they demonstrate God's infinite grace poured out over our lives, erasing all iniquity, removing all stain. Slowly these women learned to embrace freedom from the stigma of their former profession and live in the sanctuary of God's acceptance.
If they can overcome such great cultural labeling and negativity, who am I to let my surroundings (infinitely more fair to me, more weighted in my favor) tell me I am inadequate or unworthy? As much as I believe it is a lie to say those women are worthless, I should believe it is a lie to say I am worthless.
And yet, and yet, and yet... in my brokenness I struggle on. When I began to cry, when the greatness of my doubt came crashing down at the oddest and most inopportune time, the women at Sari Bari wiped the tears off my cheeks and crowded around to hug me, telling me they are all there for me- these women who have had lives so much harder than mine, who met me just a month ago- that they all love me and will support me. They remind me that I am beloved, by them, by others, by God. I am beloved. I am beloved. I am beloved. And, Lord willing, I am learning to believe them.

Zephaniah 3:14-20
Sing, O Daughter of Zion; shout aloud, O Israel! Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O Daughter of Jerusalem! The LORD has taken away your punishment, he has turned back your enemy. The LORD, the King of Israel, is with you; never again will you fear any harm. On that day they will say to Jerusalem, "Do not fear, O Zion; do not let your hands hang limp. The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. The sorrows for the appointed feasts I will remove from you; they are a burden and a reproach to you. At that time I will deal with all who oppressed you; I will rescue the lame and gather those who have been scattered. I will give them praise and honor in every land where they were put to shame. At that time I will gather you; at that time I will bring you home. I will give you honor and praise among all the peoples of the earth when I restore your fortunes before your very eyes," says the LORD. 

All my love- Amalia

Burn It Down

Hello dear friends! I am sorry to say I have been shirking in my resolution to write a blog on a weekly basis! it's now week four, day 27, and I'm ready to update you again on what I've been learning and experiencing here in Kolkata.
First of all I thought I'd share with you a few cultural quirks I discovered that might be of interest. These fall into two categories: things India believes in, and things it doesn't. So, here goes:
Things India Believes In!:

Sarah models the teeny tiny Cha

• Shoving- In many Asian cultures because of the huge number of people you are competing against, if you don't shove, you'll never get anything you want (literally or metaphorically). The Indians adhere to this philosophy with gusto.
• "Cha Time" twice daily- Cha, or black tea with milk and sugar is served twice, morning and evening, at all workplaces, and tiny communion-sized cups of the stuff are available at all times of the day and night on street corners and train platforms throughout the city.
• Using umbrellas for sun, but hiding from rain- this makes sense if you think about the strength of an Indian monsoon shower. Those storms don't play around.
• Having unpronounceable phonetics- You try to figure out the difference between the "gh" consonant and the "kh", I can't.
• Using completely garbled syntax- A sentence from a prayer we learned translated exactly states, "thanks us India bringing for, help do please dear Jesus so that us Bangla quickly learn."
• Non-committal head motions- a dip of the head to one side can mean yes but often morphs into the head "waggle" which can mean both yes or no. 

Things India Doesn't Believe In!:

• Ovens- everyone cooks on one burner stoves I don't know what they have against baked goods.
• In-house Bathing- If you are Indian (or at least 90% of Indians) you wash either in a communal bathroom in your housing complex or a side-of-the-road water spigot where twenty other people are lathering up as buses and cars whiz by.
• Personal Space- Cuz in a country with this many people, I guess they figure "why bother?"
• Utensils- Not a fork in sight. No idea why.
• Toilet Paper- Might be a waste thing? I don't know, but boy had you better carry your own if you want it!
• Giving Change for more than a 100 Rupee Bill- No idea why. Surely someone has a use for the 500s and 1000s

My teammate Nathan modeling our bed

Annie models the bucket-shower

The Jones and Salley Surprise (aka dinner)

It's been a big time of transition for me. The way of life is, as expected, radically different for me here in comparison to the US. I live in a four room flat with five other people. Myself and the four girls live in one large room, sleeping on thin pallets on the floor, and keeping all our belongings in a cubby holes on the far wall. We have two working toilets (praise Jesus), but no showers, we wash by tipping water over our heads from a bucket (see photo demonstration). Our kitchen is tiny, only about 3' by 6', with only a sink and a two burner gas stove- that is JUST a stove, no convection oven, just burners. We take turns cooking and cleaning, and so far things have gone very well among the five of us. I am having to do a lot of internal adjustment though mainly because I am not used to being around people for so much of my day. In the US I spend at least 65% of my day by myself. This is my recharge time, the time I use to process my thoughts and feelings and recoup my energy. I am a fairly outgoing person, but this doesn't mean I'm an extrovert. Just being around people for hours and hours tires me out. I must spend that time worrying about others, their wants, needs, and desires and make an effort to fulfill them to the best of my ability. It's hard to keep that up 24/7. I am, by nature, selfish. In a healthy way sometimes (when selfishness is my time to withdraw and be at peace within myself) but also in a detrimental way (in that I sometimes begin to resent catering to others when I want to just have my way). I think God is teaching me about what servanthood really means when it is lived 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I am being convicted about some of my more blatant selfish inclinations and trying to begin to discipline myself to engage community living for the long haul. It's not going to be easy, but I think in the long run I will have an ability I never knew I was capable of and it will bless my life immensely. I know God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, so this community living thing has to be good right? Haha, well if not good-feeling at least good for me as a person. I plan to try hard to live well in community with this team and Word Made Flesh overall. Please pray for me to find the balance between nurturing my soul through alone time and meditation, and allowing my selfishness to melt away in favor of a stronger community bond. It's going to be a long road, but I think the journey will bring me joy. The lyrics to a Death Cab for Cutie song have been on my mind as I begin this journey toward a self-effacing, community building lifestyle: 

Burn it down till the embers smoke on the ground

And start new, when your heart is an empty room

With walls of the deepest blue...

The flames and smoke climbed out of every window

And disappeared with everything that you held dear

And you shed not a single tear, for the things that you didn't need

'Cause you knew you were finally free...

I Love you all! Please feel free to leave comments and feedback, I'd love to hear from you! 

Be well friends!

India 1: Chaos on Wheels!

Greetings from the exotic sub-continent my friends!
It's day 12 here in Kolkata and I figured it was about time I updated you on what's been going on! I'm afraid this post won't have many pictures because most of the places I work don't allow them, but I'll try to paint a mental one nonetheless.

These are the "autos" look fun?

My first impression of India is one of everything moving in every direction at once, with no perceivable order or any certain desire for it. Everything on the roads (hand rickshaws, bike rickshaws, cars, trucks, buses, and "autos") moves at breakneck speeds until it comes to a screeching halt, usually ten feet from where it started, in a constant state of traffic jam. As far as public transit goes, imagine the most crowded subway ride you've ever been on in America at rush hour, and multiply it by six and add lots of thrown elbows, yelling, and pushing. Let's just say maximum capacity is not a matter of fire code, but of square footage here. There are separate sections for women (two cars per fifty car train, and the middle third of every metro car) but women seem to be even more aggressive in getting on and off of transportation. Then there are the tiny "autos" little scooter trikes with tiny round bodies placed on them and about enough space for five including the driver, if you get real friendly with your neighbor. The fun thing? No door. If you're on the outside you're hanging on for dear life while weaving through traffic patterns with no real rules at heart wrenching speeds with the pavement only about a foot away and the driver's sweaty armpit in your face. But the best are the buses. They are much less concerned about cramming women up against sweaty men (not so kosher here), often take off while you are still mounting the steps, and drive with more of an anvil than a lead foot, throwing you into your fellow travelers to the accompanying cacophony of blaring horns which are used for everything and anything here.

But enough about the transit. I'm adjusting pretty well to reduced living situations (more on that in another post with pictures! let's just say I.sleep on the floor, eat on the floor, and shower in a bucket). I've learned my way around well enough to get to and from most Word Made Flesh Locations without help. We're still figuring out what our actual schedule here will look like, that's part of my impression of chaos (so for those of you who asked what I'll be doing on a day to day basis- I still don't know!). For now we are learning Bengali, getting to know the women of Sari Bari, volunteering at Mother Teresa's houses once a week, and doing odd jobs for the Sari Bari office. I'm going to Mother Teresa's house for mentally handicapped girls and women, Shanti Dan. It's a place with a lot of life, a lot of joy, and a lot of work to be done. At Sari Bari the women are really great, asking us questions (what did you eat? and are you married? are the top two so far, but also family members and such) and being very amused by our American habits. They were fascinated to discover that I can sew too! I can't wait to be able to talk to them more! There are even plans in the works for me to be able to do some theater with them during their Leadership  Class! We are having Bengali class twice a week and weekly breakfasts and dinners with the country staff, so we are well on our way to functioning as a cohesive group here!

I have been very blessed and loved by my teammates here so far. They are very accepting and encouraging. I am sure we are all going to grow together quite a lot. I have been getting a lot of good indications that God is going to teach me a lot about joy while I'm here, and truly expand my freedom in his love. Please pray for me to truly be open to this joy God wants to show me, it's hard for me to imagine experiencing joy in a place full of physical discomfort, which I bet is why I need to learn. My team and I have been fairly healthy so far, please pray that this continues to be so, and that we are safe during the next few days when all of India is due to strike over gas prices. Please pray for peaceful protest and a quick return to normal. At least tomorrow there will be no blaring train whistles outside my house!

All my love goes out to you! Until next time! 

Blessed Before I Begin

I wanted to post one last update before I leave for Kolkata in the morning. I will fly first to Chicago where I will meet up with several other members of the servant team and board a non-stop flight to Delhi, where we will meet our last member and fly to Kolkata. There, I will be staying in a flat in the Dum Dum Cantonment with my four teammates, cooking and cleaning for ourselves. I'm very prepared and hoping I'm not over-packed and going to look like a total materialist when I get there, but I am carrying gifts for several people as well as Sari Bari tags for the shop, so it's not all mine.

This is Rasheeda. She Is almost 15.

I am so happy to say that thanks to the contributions of all my family, friends, and church congregations I was able to raise all the money required for the trip! This was a huge relief, and a big blessing. I never expected to be able to raise all the money, and not have to pay anything out of pocket (especially since I was only half way there a month ago). God was really watching out for me in my hour of need. Thanks to everyone who donated, I will have enough personal money to be able to visit my sponsored child, Rasheeda, whom I sponsor through Compassion International. I have sponsored Rasheeda for four years, she lives in a village near Erode in the Tamil Nadu province in southern India. I cannot wait to meet her. The amount of fundraising also means that I will have enough savings to apply to grad schools and start job searches once I return. Again, I am just so blessed by the outpouring of love and support I have received in the last months and wanted to let everyone know so that you can celebrate with me and know my thanks to those of you who gave!

I was recently led to two really great books that would be awesome for anyone wanting to learn more about modern slavery, or human trafficking. If you're interested in learning more about sex trafficking these would be really good choices. One is The Slave Next Door by Theresa Flores, it's a true story about sex trafficking of Americans within the United States. The other is a fiction, based on the reality of sex trafficking in India and Europe, it's great if you like a novel but want to learn a little about the issues involved, It's called A Walk Across the Sun by Corban Addison! AND it was written by the relative of the Executive Director of the Civic Theater here in Indianapolis!

I am not sure of how often I will be able to write posts while in India, but I promised my mother to call her at least once a week, so hopefully I can do the same with checking emails and writing updates. I believe where I will be living is going to be a very good place for sanitation and transport, but please pray for my safety and quick adjustment to life there nonetheless. I am so excited for this new adventure and I hope all of you will enjoy going on this journey with me!

And now all there is to do is quote the words of Dr. Who a he plunges into the unknown:
"Allons-y!!!"

Preparations

Above, to the best of my knowledge, I have written says "Amar nam Amalia" or "My name is Amalia" in Bengali script. I'm slowly working through a teach-yourself textbook to learn the language. It's slow going because the book begins by teaching the Bengali alphabet, which is phonetic but has many quirks that come from its origins in ancient Sanskrit. It is proving very challenging because there are sometimes multiple ways to write one sound, for example there are three ways to write the sound "sh", completely indistinguishable in spoken form. Additionally, some vowels must be written before the consonant after which they are sounded, some are written after the consonant and some are written attached to the consonant (like in Hebrew). Also, consonants appearing together are often written as a conjunction of two characters, but not always, depending on the accepted spelling of the word! It's quite difficult to learn by myself. I've included a picture of my practice notebook so you can see a bit more of what it looks like to write full words or sentences. In other preparations for India I have started a round of vaccines to keep me healthy in India including
Hepatitis A, Typhoid, and Malaria drugs. I hope they will help the trip go smoothly and enjoyably. I'll be applying for my visa to enter India in the next week, and hopefully will receive it next month.

I was very sad last week to attend the last Cornerstone Festival ever last week. It was a sweltering hot week with lots of dust and dehydration. I felt rather sick most of the week, but it was important to me to witness the end of an era with this last festival. It's been like a second home to me, and I will sincerely miss all my friends I see there every year. Unfortunately, the extreme weather there seems to have weakened my immune system and caused me to become ill in this last week, and I have it easy compared to my dad who was diagnosed with bronchitis yesterday! I hope my sickness clears up while i rest this week, preparing to work again next week.

In Addition to working towards India I have been working at the Civic Theatre in Carmel, IN for the last week helping to run a children's theater camp. It's been very challenging with long hours and many surprises, but yesterday's closing performance was a great reward. When I was introduced to the audience of parents and family the kids I was councilor to cheered louder than the entire audience did the whole night. I felt like I'd done my job in teaching and chaperoning them while still developing a close and friendly relationship with them. It made me very happy. I'll be doing one more week with the Civic starting the 23rd of this month. I hope it goes as well as this last one did, despite my slight illness, and hopefully I'll be doing more work with them in the future.

I would appreciate thoughts and prayers as I continue to prepare and raise funds for India, I am only about 40% of the way there so far and I can't afford to supply the difference myself. I am very excited but my anxiety is also growing as I realize how challenging this trip will be for me. I hope your support and God's guidance will help me persevere.

My love to you all!!! ~ Amalia

Support Me In India

Here is my official informative letter asking for support while I am in India. Read it for more info about what I'll be doing, who I'll be working with, and to find out how you can partner with me!

My Dear Friends and Family,

I hope this letter finds you and your loved ones blessed and healthy! I am pleased to say that my year since graduating from Butler has been eventful and formative for me as both an artist and a person. God has brought many amazing opportunities into my life, one of which will be taking me on a four-month trip to Calcutta, India. There I will be working with the non-profit organization Word Made Flesh from September 8th to December 15th.

In India, Word Made Flesh’s program, Sari Bari, serves a community of women and children who are attempting to leave the bondage of sexual trafficking. According to the U.S. Department of State, as many as 27 million people are currently trapped in modern day slavery, or “human trafficking”. Of these 80% are female and 50% are children. The majority of human trafficking victims are used for sexual exploitation, adding to the ranks of the 60,000 women currently working in Calcutta’s red light district. These women and girls are often coerced or tricked into the sex trade by people who promise them a better life but actually intend to make them dependent on those who prostitute them.

As an outreach of Word Made Flesh in Calcutta, Sari Bari seeks to release those women held in the sex trade by poverty and lack of empowerment. They provide jobs and opportunities for these women through their shop, which produces blankets, pillows and handbags made from repurposed saris. My hope for this trip is to be able to make a positive difference in vulnerable women’s lives through support, love, art, and the hope that Sari Bari brings them.

I am hoping you will consider supporting me during my time in India. You can do this by upholding me in prayer while I am gone, and also by giving financially if you are able. I need to raise $5,000 in funding for my trip. This will cover my lodging, transportation, airfare, and food while I am in India. Any amount would be helpful to me in achieving my goals. If you wish to give, you may do so online at wordmadeflesh.org and designate the donation with my name, or you can send a check to Word Made Flesh, PO BOX 70, Omaha, NE 68101, with a separate note designating the donation with my name. Checks should be made payable to Word Made Flesh. Please, do not write my name in the memo portion of the check.

This trip is a chance for me to realize my dream of using art and theatre to help disadvantaged groups in the developing world, and I am so excited! If you have any questions for me feel free to email me at amalia.howard@gmail.com. I will be documenting my time in India at fyiamalia.blogspot.com if you would like to keep up with me during the trip! Thank you so much for your prayers and support!

All My Love,
Amalia Lynn Howard

Changes

Hello friends!
There have been so many things to think about, to do, and to decide since I last made a post that I can barely decide what to say first. I'm planning a lot of big changes in the next few months! I've been accepted to the Word Made Flesh servant team going to Kolkata (Calcutta) India in late August. I'll be there for about four months, the dates are not set in stone yet. While I'm there I'll be working with an outreach of WMF called Sari Bari. Sari Bari works with escapees of the sex trade in Kolkata, helping women to leave the red light districts by offering love, support, and alternative employment.

 For a little more information on what they deal with here is an excerpt from the Sari Bari website:

How Human Trafficking Happens: A young village girl, probably from a poor family, is lured, tricked or cajoled by a “trafficker” who promises a good job, a marriage or a better life in the city. The “trafficker” could be a woman who has previously been prostituted herself, a young man promising marriage or jobs, or a family member. The young girl is illiterate (or close to it), unsuspecting and has hopes for a better life for herself and/or her family, but she soon finds herself in a horrible nightmare of slavery from which she will likely never be able to escape...

From Sari Bari's vision statement: Sari Bari seeks the sustainable restoration of red light communities and the prevention of the exploitation of women and children in the commercial sex trade... Sari Bari does not rescue women, but rather seeks restoration for those who have been trafficked or held in the sex trade by poverty and lack of empowerment. Approximately 65 percent of women in the red light areas no longer qualify for legal action in the form of rescue. While they were likely first trafficked in their teen years, many are now middle-aged and are trapped by circumstances that have bound them since childhood.

 While with Sari Bari, I'll first spend at least a month learning the Bengali language and developing relationships with the women already at Sari Bari. Once I've learned more about the culture of human trafficking I will be able to go with the Sari Bari workers to speak with and care for the women still involved in the sex trade. I may even get a chance to employ my art and theatre skills in projects with the women at Sari Bari, Word Made Flesh is very open to arts as a form of healing and outreach.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton recently was in Kolkata and visited a Human Trafficking focused event where Sari Bari participated! You can read about it on Sari Bari's blog: here. She even bought a bag from them and got to meet one of the women who Sari Bari has helped. Totally cool!

Before I go to India however, I have a lot to get done! I'm going to take the GRE test for graduate school admittance in about a week, and I'm studying/practicing like crazy. The test costs a LOT of money and I don't want to waist it and have to take it all over again.

After hopefully passing the GRE, my task will be to apply to as many places as possible before leaving for India since I won't have much time between August and December to complete the applications. Programs I'm looking at inculde North Western, NYU, Cornell, Brown, and Columbia University, so you can see how essential it will be to have strong test scores and applications. I want to go back for a PhD in Theatre at a program that will allow me to choose my own topic of study, blending theatre and social justice. I think that learning more about what others have done with theatre and justice will help me be prepared to practice it myself. I hope that one day I'll have a job either with a university or a non-profit that allows me to go abroad and do the social theatre that I am so passionate about.

Well, there you have it. That's the current plan! I'm sure it will change many times in the next few months, but I'm very excited about its current form! Stay posted for more info on the upcoming India trip, GRE scores, and impending move back to Indiana before leaving the continent!

Much love to all! - A

Life On An Island Gets Kinda Wet

Buenos Dias Amigos!



This is my street in the rain,
notice how high the water is on my car.

 I figured it was about time to let you all know how things are going here in Galveston! I'm loving the warm weather, I don't think it's been under forty degrees ever while being here! However there have been some very rainy days and I've discovered that my house must basically sit below sea level, because when it rains my street turns into a lake which is a foot deep in places, more in others! In fact most of the streets on my end of the island flood when it rains heavily. I shudder to think what a hurricane will look like! (I'm starting to regret choosing a bedroom on the ground floor of my house! I guess when Nym heads for higher ground I will too, I trust her instincts!) Other than the rain, life on the island is pretty easy. I'm looking forward to the summer when weather is a little warmer and sunnier and there are lots of activities to do outside!

Mardi Gras on the Sea Wall!

So far my two jobs have been very interesting! I worked two weekends at the opera in January on the shows Fiddler on The Roof and Spamalot. For Spamalot I not only helped to load the set and lights off and onto the huge trucks they came on, I also worked two shows as a dresser, helping actors in and out of their costumes. That was a really long day, but it was so much fun to be back in the theatre! I haven't worked there this month but March brings in a few more big musical to the Opera House so hopefully I'll be supplementing my Hotel Galvez income with that soon! The hotel front desk job is going well. I'm feeling more confident every day, which is important since the crazy busy tourist season is fast approaching. We've already had a taste of it with Mardi Gras last week and the week before. The island exploded with people and parades and more beads than everyone could wear! It's one of the biggest Mardi Gras celebrations in the country here, and it's family friendly with all the parades as well as the drinking and normal Mardi Gras revelry. I had to work most of the days of the celebration, and came home mostly too tired to party, but I had a nice time hanging out in David Briley's apartment which overlooks the downtown party area and watching all the party-ers. I also was able to go to one of the big parades where Tim, our friend Marta and I all collected more beads than we'll ever know what to do with.

Overall, I feel that I've successfully settled in here pretty well. I still need to find a church, but the search is ongoing. I've also started looking at my plans to travel to India with Word Made Flesh in about six months, and it's starting to get really real since I turned in my application this week! I'm excited about it but I'm also scared about how it will affect my plans. I'm also very saddened by the thought of having to leave Nym for so long. But, oh well such is life, and I'll deal with those issues as they come instead of taking them all on right away. :) Keep praying for me friends! Until next time!

Love,

A

Christmas Gift

For Christmas I got this wonderful tablet for digital painting! I have been working with it for the last two months but not produced anything I'm proud of until now. Check it out! I can paint fish! If anyone has any pointers on digital painting, especially for landscapes (I was never much good at landscapes but they are essential for a digital painter, used for concept art, etc.) I would love it if you commented or messaged me! I have a book, but books are only so much help. I really need a good tutorial video or something. :) I'll do another update on my life in a few days! Until then! <3